Broken
by codellmarie
Summary: F!Warden(any origin)/Alistair. After the Landsment, Alistair broke up with her, after that she finds out one of them has do die, or not. How will she cope?


She wanted to cry and throw a fit, to lay down on the cold stone and pound on it until the Maker come down to grant her wish. She wanted this DAY to end. It started well enough; she and Alistair awoke at the same time from the same dream, of the hated Archdemon. While not unusual for her, because she becoming a Gray Warden during the blight, Alistair didn't have the dreams as much, but the Archdemon was coming, they both knew it. After a quick clean up and breakfast, it was off to the Landsment, to pick the new king, Alistair, her own loving "royal bastard." When Alistair was made king, her heart swelled with joy for him. His decision to make her his general was shocking, but she could live with it. Killing Loghain had been expected, at least to her, Loghain had betrayed Alistair's father and the Gray Wardens and had tried to kill both of them, although she felt for Anora. After lunch had been surprising light hearted, although Alistair was strangely missing, her warriors in arms, her _friends_, making light banter about the new king and his general, she laughed with them; everything was starting to work out. Then Alistair returned to her and the worst day of her life began truly began. With everyone present, he had told her that he could not be with her anymore. Then continued saying the kingdom needed an heir and as a Gray Warden, she would never be able to give him a child. It was hard for him; she could see it on his face: but he was a coward, in front of everyone else she had to be the Gray Warden, their leader. She would not beg like she wanted, she wouldn't fall at his feet, heartbroken, no she would do it later when he was not present. She couldn't believe how quickly the love could turn to hate, she could not believe how much she wanted to run him though. The worst was he didn't give her a chose with everyone watching, she couldn't say no, it was for Ferelden, the whole reason she had fought so long. She stalked away to the room they had shared just that morning, after Alistair left. She was unsure of what to do, the last of the army was being prepared, most of the day to day problems Teagan taking care of, she had nothing to do, nothing to take care of, and she was lost without anything. If she had something to throw herself into, she could forget her problems like when she first became a Warden. Even so the tears wouldn't come. Only at Wynne's and Leliana's insistence did she drag herself down once more for dinner. She fought to keep her face straight and smiling, Alistair was missing again, damn him. She only ate because her Gray Warden appetite demanded it. As she started the long trek back to her (and Alistair's room) Riordan had stopped her and said that the remaining Gray Wardens needed to talk. In the same room as Alistair, she didn't know how she did it, she never fell into his arms or sheath her weapon in his chest. She was so distracted that she almost missed what Riordan had said. Once she got it she couldn't believe it, one of them HAD to die. It took everything she had to talk about it, without screaming like a child. Riordan said that he would do it. He was one man, in the middle of a battle, fighting a dragon and all the darkspawn around would be attracted to him because he being the oldest; the taint in his blood the strongest. She didn't believe for a second that Riordan would still be alive to do it, one way or other it would up to her or Alistair. Alistair her beloved, the man she hated more then the Archdemon, more then Duncan for hiding the truth from them. She watched Alistair walk down the stairs, his movements wooden, until she couldn't see him any more. Then in the room (_their room_) she was startled when Morrigan talked. Morrigan's proposal, no one had to die, was like a dream and a nightmare. Alistair could live, she could live, they would be happy . . . no they were not together anymore. Alistair the royal bastard had it coming, he hated Morrigan. She would talk him into doing it. She would have her revenge for on Alistair for breaking her heart. She found Alistair and somehow convinced him that it was for "the good of Ferelden", the same damn line he used on her. That left her standing on the top of the highest tower she could find, ready to cry and throw a fit.

She no longer knew what she wanted. She both loved and hated Alistair. She felt grim satisfaction over Alistair and Morrigan, and at the same time had to fight to keep from running down to stop them. Alistair was hers and he wasn't hers. She wasn't afraid to die but she was, she was afraid to lose Alistair, but she already had, hadn't she? Her legs would hold her no more as she sank to the ground. She contracted herself up in the smallest ball should could and finally her tears started to fall as she sobbed her despair into her knees.

She didn't even hear anyone come near until a voice said, "It is done." His voice broke as he said it, and she thought she would explode with the conflicting emotions: relief, satisfaction, evil, jealousy, despair; all swelled into her chest. She couldn't do this anymore, she would not, could not be the "hero." She felt broken and broken she would be, without much thought she shoved herself to her feet, she then jumped to the top of the half wall, ready to go over the edge.

Arms grab her before she could. She weakly tried to fight free, but her fight was gone, there wasn't anything that she could do any more. She sobbed and would have fallen to her knees again, but the arms held her. She was pulled from the wall. She was surrounded by the warmth, the comfort she knew, just 12 hours ago, it was torture, "Please just let me go," she begged.

"I still need you," his voice said next to her ear, "Please don't leave me." She felt wetness on her shoulder, he was _crying_.

Her anger flared, she fought harder against him again, "You bastard. You already left me." She struggled; she fought and kicked and tried to bite him until her strength turned to sobs once again. "I can't do this anymore," she begged, "I don't want to do this anymore."

"Dammit snap out of it," Alistair growled, his hold started to slip enough that she twisted in his grip. She looked up into his eyes, and froze. Everything she was feeling and thinking seemed to be running in his eyes as well. She could, and had in the past, lost herself in his eyes. She did the only thing did the only thing that felt right at the moment, she kissed him. All her raging emotions turned into passion and she once again began to lose herself in her emotions.

After a time Alistair pushed her away, the conflict is his eye not lessened but was more, "Please . . . stop this . . . I . . . can't," he panted. "I told you that we have to end. I have no choice here. I will love you always and forever, but we can't be," he pleaded.

Her eyes flashed, "I love you too," she sighed, defeated. "Please tell me there is some way, I don't think I can live without you."

Sounding overwhelmed Alistair said, "I just wanted to protect you from the shame of being a mistress. We can never have a child. I will have to marry another. And the Gray Wardens still need a leader in Ferelden, one that isn't tied to the throne. The Gray Wardens do what is best for Thedas. I have to do what is best for Ferelden, and that is not always going to be the same."

All energy gone from her as she slowly said, "I know, and I HATE it. I HATE that I understand it. I love you so much." With a deep groan, "I kind of hope that this day has been some kind of nightmare, or something." She was falling asleep from all the emotional turmoil.

"Me too." Alistair replied softly. He gathered her into his arms, and took her back to her, _their_, room. Tomorrow would be the final battle and the Archdemon, but one last time she would sleep deeply in Alistair's arms.


End file.
